If you were to come over for a cup of coffee…
I should start out by telling you the truth about something… I have never been one of those girls who were infatuated with babies… or little kids. I never babysat for extra money… and the few times my mom signed me up to do so it was the WORST hour of my life. I never fawned over babies when women would bring them into the office… I would smile from a distance.. But I kept that distance always.
I didn’t sign up to take that class where you took care of pre school kids. I signed up for shop. And not because I have loved woodworking since a young age… but no…. I was 15 and that’s where the boys were ;) Now I wish I had paid more attention to what Mr Guth was saying.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like babies. I just didn’t feel the urge to run over and hold someone else’s baby. The thought of it made me uneasy… however, I have always wanted to be a mom. That was always the plan.. And with my kids.. It would be different. But other people’s kids.. No thank you. Except my nieces. Those were ALL different. I drove up 4 hours from college to visit all of them in the hospital and I pride myself on never missing a birthday party and always doing my best to just be there. I want them to remember… that I was there. I am never the loud, over excited aunt. That’s just not my personality. but I hope that they remember… I was there. Always there.
So the day I became a mother – when the doctor handed me Maddux… in that moment everything changed. He showed me that love at first sight was a real… honest… and true thing. The moment that I saw him… my whole world changed in that very instant. It’s such a weird feeling. Its an overwhelming amount of love you have for someone you just meet… it brings you to the point of tears and you stare at this tiny little human for days and days on end. You constantly hover… check in on them every 10 minutes while they are sleeping to make sure they are still….. okay. And you are exhausted.. .and emotional… so many feelings… that you are in such a daze for months.
It wasn’t about me anymore. I put him first. It starts immediately, and if you are nursing… your body is no longer yours… your sleep schedule is drastically changed… and when you should be sleeping you are googling crazy things like … what does it mean when a baby sneezes after their bottle…. Or I had the TV playing in the background while nursing… will my baby now become a serial killer? (because people share crazy articles on Facebook… just to make new moms insane … it’s a sick game people play) And then when the second one came… same stuff except for now… I am googling topics on how to make sure Maddux is adjusting… and then with Hudson’s complications every wheeze had me practically dialing 911.
So … I was crazy. I was losing my mind like any other mom does that first month. But almost instantly you lose yourself in this role. Which is acceptable. We all need time to adjust… and we, as women, we tend to jump right in. All in. 150%. And our whole focus is making sure the kids are okay… do they have everything they need, are they eating healthy, are they keeping up on homework, are they physically active… you are running them from piano to soccer practice. With a smile you willingly take on the roles of taxi drive, personal chef, tutor, party planner, activity planner, waiter, maid, and a thousand other hats you put on throughout your day.
… and this is not a post to complain about it. I am just acknowledging everything we take on… losing ourselves. We put our kids… our husband… and some days even our pets before ourselves. We run ourselves into the ground giving so much every day… we are touched and touched and touched … and here Mommy 20 million times in 3 hours… and at the end of the day we sit on the couch and we are done. Even if I wanted to do something for myself… I can’t. I am too tired. Blissfully tired most days. Except we are hitting the toddler age – for the next few years the days will be hit or miss. The ball is in his court.. he determines the mood of our day
And it doesn’t get easier through the years… I take on more roles. It doesn’t get easier… my job just shifts with each age. And I love being a mom… and a wife and I will give them all of me… every single day without a glimmer of hesitation.
Maddux was almost 2 when I finally realized I had to give myself some time as well. And here I am – Hudson turning 2 soon and I am realizing it again.
I lose myself in motherhood… and part of me is okay with that, as weird as that may sound… but I sacrifice my health at times which is where I need to re focus. I make the kids lunches and never have the time to make my own. So I end up grabbing a bag of chips out of the vending machine at the office. I stay up late cleaning the house and getting things ready for the next day until 1AM drinking coffee and snacking on whatever I find and end up rushing through the morning the next day in a panic.
I figure this can’t just be me right? I am sure a lot of moms feel this way. Balance is hard. We want to do it all. But there is not enough time in the day. And I feel selfish if I put me first… and I feel guilty as a mom. Even with running… taking an hour to go for a run – I end up feeling guilty taking that time away from my family. And then I feel like I am crazy. why would I feel that way? That’s not normal… right? Or is it?
But I am sitting here… thinking okay Fawn, you need to take care of yourself too. You need to get more sleep… take time to exercise… it’s such an internal struggle on how to do that.
So maybe if I write about it.. Maybe putting it out there in words will force me to do it? Maybe others can share with me if they had the same issues? If it takes time to overcome it? or if they had to push themselves like this?
It’s not about losing weight. Its about feeling good in my own skin. Feeling like myself. Happy and Confident that I am doing right by me. Remembering that I am important too. And learning how to remember myself. Isn’t that weird? I mean in my 20’s the WHOLE world revolved around me. Honestly. And here I am… the next decade of my life… trying to set an alarm to remind myself to focus on me.
So let’s here it. Am I crazy? Is this not normal? How do you take time out for you? Does it get easier as they get older? I feel like the toddler years… those are hard. those take a lot out of us. Not in a bad way… but an honest way. How do you make time for you? do you do it when they are sleeping? or do you just put yourself first and not look back? Any tips? I would love to hear how you handle this Momma guilt.
Until next week sweet friends…