If you were to come over for a cup of coffee….
… I would talk about how fast summer has gone. Just like everyone else. I feel like each year the year gets shorter… time goes faster…. And I probably just focus on it a bit more the older I get.
.. I would probably tell you I have an irrational fear of death. Maybe it’s not irrational. But I almost give myself a panic attack thinking about it. I cannot handle the idea of it. I can’t even write about it right now I am getting all worked up and freaking out. I can’t breathe. Seriously.
… I would probably talk about the school year… and Maddux… and just all the emotions that go along with that.
… I was sitting there the other night after he had fallen asleep in my bed. He had Candy Butt curled up under one arm… fast asleep. He was spread out.. Diagonal across the bed… upside down. His tiny body… seemed so big in that moment. It hits you sometimes as a mom…. How I realize he is still so little. Only 6 years old. But while thinking about how small he is… it hits you how big he is … for me.. These two thoughts go together. It makes me emotional. I realize we have so much to look forward to… but then you start wondering where did all that time go. I just sat there and played with his hair.. Thinking about how each year he will get closer and closer to my height and one day I will be looking up to my little boy… literally… Thinking about how we got to where we are now.. How at one time I would be able to scoop him up with one arm and lay him down in his bed. Now he’s so heavy and such dead weight I don’t dare even try to lift him.
… When did he get this long? I mean he fills up half the bed on his own. The saying is… The days are long but the years are short. And its painfully true. We are so rushed in our day to day lives… and then here we are 1st grade. And I get it.. It’s only 1st grade. He’s still so young… but I start thinking this is where it all starts. I probably have this year of believing in Santa… and there is no guarantee now after this year. 2nd/3rd grade is when I figured out the big guy was just my parents. And that changes everything. I have one last year of magic… only one last year is guaranteed. I can no longer spell out words to my husband.. Because the kid figures it out. He can read. Seriously… how did that happen. And you find yourself missing the silliest things. However, at the same time you find yourself looking forward to all the other things as well. It’s weird. Being a mom is weird. It’s emotional… and uncomfortable… and messy.. .and magical… and pretty much just every emotion that you can name. That’s what it is
… Every year I find myself worrying. That’s our jobs. I decided really when anyone asks me what I do for a living… I should just reply “worry”. Because I “worry” 24/7. I worry about the kids. I worry about the dogs. I worry about savings accounts. I worry about jobs. I worry about my husband. I worry about my parents. I worry about my grandparents. I worry constantly. And not in this crazy ridiculous amount of worry.. But just a bit. That’s what we do. They say don’t worry and there are quotes upon quotes about how worrying wastes time and blah blah blah. But I decided whoever wrote that quote… or said it… or whatever. Clearly did not have kids… and clearly did not have bills… or anything else.
… I worry about turning off the hair straightener… I worry about locking up when I left…. I worry about everything. I can’t be the only one. And again… not talking crazy. I’m talking about the simple… oh crap… did this happen? Or did he remember to do that? Or did I do this before I left? Or worrying about first days of school… or nieces hitting tough ages… or sports tryouts… or grandparent doctor visits… or etc. And I get it a lot of that is out of my control.. And nothing I can do. So worrying doesn’t fix anything… but I still worry.
.. I worry about Maddux’s teacher. And I hope and pray he has a good one. One that takes the time to get to know him. One that realizes in his mind she is already the smartest person on this planet. I hope that he gets a low maintenance teacher that realizes they are just 6 year olds and allows them to be that age. I worry about kids in school… kids are cruel. And sometimes they don’t even know they are being cruel… and I worry about if Maddux is making friends at the new school. Is he enjoying himself? Is he having fun? Is he keeping up in class? Etc.
.. I have come to accept for me the worrying will never end. It just changes… and it’s not like it consumes me. But its there in the back of your mind and it comes to surface every now and then. And I think that’s human nature. Or I am just crazy.
… I will tell you… I realize I worry less with Hudson. Maybe it’s because I have been here before. Maybe its easier with the second in that sense. I don’t worry about milestones… or weight… or measurements… or any of it. I realize that as much as I want my kids to eat healthy… if I give them the cheap spaghetti OH’s from a can with all the artificial ingredients… they will do just fine. I don’t beat myself up over it. There’s such a big difference in stress level compared to the two. With Maddux I didn’t know what I was doing… and I felt like everyone else did and I worried about such trivial things. Now, with Hudson I know he’s fine. I don’t worry if the neighbor kid is speaking sentences and my kid just runs around and points and says “ball” for hours on end. When they hop on the bus to go to kindergarten that sentence doesn’t give that kid a jump on my ball chasing fool. I don’t stress out about sitting in front of him trying to teach new words… or any of that. Don’t get me wrong. We do the stuff we need to do… we read books… we sing… we dance… we play. But if he’s not interested in stacking blocks… I honestly don’t worry about it. Where with Maddux I would be freaking out and saying GOOGLE SAYS YOU SHOULD LOVE THIS. <<< like a crazy person. I wasn’t upset at all Hudson wasn’t walking by 12 months. In fact I might have said a little Thank you Jesus … because seriously chasing around a tot is WORK. And they never want to go where you want them to go. But seriously… they always say that the second one is harder … the second one challenges you more. And I see that. Boy do I see that … but people fail to mention how much easier it gets from the mom side. Like Hudson can share a bite of string cheese with the dog and I don’t rush him to the emergency room. No in fact… I shrug it off and don’t even give it another thought for the rest of the day…. Well that’s not true… I might cringe with disgust… but ultimately and honestly I let him finish that string cheese he is carrying around… sharing with the dog… rubbing it into the floor… gross…. But I just say what my mom always said “well he is building up his immune system” ;)
… speaking of which… I think 80s parents had it right. I mean our grandparents for the most part were stay at home moms and they possessed so many of those home ec skills I failed at … but then if you had parents like mine… well they were working and constantly trying to figure themselves out as they raised you. They were self-involved (in the best ways) their lives didn’t revolve around us. My mom was the best mom… as I assume yours was too. But she was selfish in the most perfect ways… she didn’t sacrifice herself for us. I find that I beat myself up so much for a lot of things. Because I have this picture in my head of what it is supposed to be like. I will be honest. I would be a stay at home mom in a heartbeat if that were an option for us. but honestly, a lot of that has to do with house projects. I love house projects… and I know that I would keep myself busy with those as well as being home with the kids. And it’s the best of both worlds in my head. But I had a hard time with working out. Taking away an hour from the kids when I don’t see them as much as I would like.. And then I realized I loved going to aerobics with my mom. And how watching her choose that lifestyle has always made me more active… and how I should do that with mine. So now we go to the park and run… well I run while they ride bikes and walk around. But we are all there… and it works. I have no idea what I will do when it gets colder. But right now it works.
… but I am rambling now. But do you go to a gym? I loved going to MaxP for a bit but it was too much $$ and I looked into a few but the hours don’t work. I need something after 6pm. I don’t want typical classes. I would like something with weights… but I’m not sure. Any help would be appreciated.
… I have been struggling so much with losing the baby weight from Hudson. It has been harder this time and honestly its harder because of me. I have been lazy. I lose myself in parenting… it’s so easy to do. And I am trying to remind myself that taking care of myself is important. Its crazy I have to tell myself that. I have to give myself a pep talk when I take time or spend money on myself. I can’t be alone in that? Balance is hard.
.. I have been running for 3 months now. And I can tell you I have always hated running. I want to like it though. I always want to be one of those people that just take off running like it’s no thing… you know what I am talking about. Those girls that look like they are shooting a commercial as they finish up mile 5. I look like I’m about to have a heart attack. I have sweat all over. I mean seriously I might have a medical condition. No one should sweat as much as I do. If I didn’t wipe off my make up from work… there’s a good chance I have black mascara running down my face because of the sweat. My hair is flat to my head… again covered in sweat… and by the way I am breathing you might think I need an oxygen mask. But I am running about 3.5 miles pretty consistent now…. I just want to look like one of those girls that look like they should be running… rather than… well the mess that I am. But anyways… 3.5 miles I will say the first 2 miles is now pretty easy. I’m sweating uncontrollably.. But I think its pretty easy … I feel good about it. The last 1.5 miles I have to convince myself not to stop every half second. I want to get up to 4 miles.. And it has been so hard to surpass that 3.5 this week.
… and now it would be time for me to head out the door and off to work …
.. Until next week
… I’ll leave you with a progress photo of the coffee bar. Didn’t JerBear do an awesome job??? Please forgive the mess around it… I should have a completed update by the end of this weekend!