If you were to come over for a cup of coffee…
… I would probably talk to you about self-reflection this week. I don’t know if it’s my thirties… or what exactly but I feel like this year has been just that. Reflection. Prioritizing what is important… what it not.. And taking a look at life in general. What do I want out of this? What are thing that are bringing me down? What do I want to do more of… less of? Dreams that I still would like to chase after… personally.. for our family. Etc etc.
… I would tell you that for me, I have struggled a bit with things that bring me down. It’s not always easy to cut things out… or even distance yourself from those things. But it’s necessary, especially if it’s affecting your overall wellbeing… or happiness. This past year I have been trying to focus on that… some things are out of my control. And that has been hard. Accepting the lack of control. I need to come to terms with some people will have opinions of you and there is nothing you can do about it. At the end of the day, you have to let it be and accept it. I can’t work so hard and get so emotional about it and I need to just “be”.
… Jerry and I had a huge discussion about college the other day… and just how much those years meant to us. Leaving our families.. .and just growing up with a group of friend that were like family. The friendships I made between ISU and EIU were life changing. The friends through those years… we made mistakes… huge mistakes… and loved each other for it anyways. We were there through the boys and the drama and the I told you so’s. You develop this circle of friends that you lean on for everything and they learn everything about you… and you honestly become family. And it’s such a great experience… the heartbreaks, the mistakes, forgiveness, the tears… .oh and the memories… the great memories filled with laughter… and dancing… and just honest to goodness true friendship. The transparency you have with these people… I hope that my boys take advantage of it and they go away to college and they get to have this. Because it changes you. You grow up… you change… and honestly… I would never trade in those crop top, bleach blonde, Britney loving, uncontrollable dancing years for anything.
… And then if you are lucky during those beer drinking crazy years… you meet someone. Someone that you fall for … hard. And it’s not easy… you are still young… and finding yourself… so you make mistakes… and if you are lucky… those mistakes bring you closer and closer.. And you grow up together. Sharing dreams… and more importantly … creating new dreams together. And you change… and you mature… and well… 12 years later you are sitting at your computer writing a blog post reminiscing about those days you worked at the bar together… falling in love over bud lights and Malibu and diets… and honestly you wouldn’t have it any other way.
… But then you come home… and the people you come home to weren’t there for those years. So they still remember you a certain way… and I feel like sometimes that’s hard. So if your ideas change… you change… they don’t accept it. And I honestly sometimes feel like this is a struggle for a while. Did you feel that way? At all? Maybe it’s just us. But eventually… the new you… becomes the you they know. It just takes time.
… but this week with the funeral of Grandma Loretta… funerals always make you reflect right? Life is short… are you doing what you want with your life? Are you making the most of it? Are you happy?
… And for me… I have realized I cannot change other’s opinions of me. I try so hard and I fail over and over and over again. And it eats at me uncontrollably. I have a problem where I let stuff get to me… so much I can’t focus on anything else. I blame my dad. I get it from him. He’s emotional… so emotional. And his feelings are easily hurt… and well… two peas in a pod that way I guess.
… So I can’t let those things overshadow my happiness. I have to cut loose… and because I can’t let it not bother me. I have to learn to distance myself a bit. And not out of anger… or anything else. Just for me. And it’s the hardest thing in the world to do at times. But sometimes it’s necessary. Have you ever had to do this? Take a step back?
… On a side note… with the funeral… I love photo boards. Don’t you? I could spend hours at these… for me… it’s the photos you don’t get to see of grandparents. Their black and white wedding photos… the life they had before you. And looking at the photo board… the happiness… the hard work… the experiences…
… Grandma Loretta was such an amazing woman. I truly looked forward to seeing her at holidays… and it’s crazy to me that she is gone. You never know when the last time you will see someone is…. I loved our little conversations… her encouraging words of acceptance… and love. She always took time out to get to know Jerry and I as a couple… always curious about our “love story”… how we met, our plans… our future. She shared her story with his grandfather…and even though I never met him…she wanted me to know what a good man he was… and how much they loved one another. She was always so happy for everyone else’s happiness. Such an inspiration … and truly… just one of a kind. Jerry was so lucky to have her … I wish our children would have had more time with her.
… I think becoming a parent changes you. Or at least for me. It changes your outlook… on life, love, faith. All of it. It all comes into question… when you look at this tiny miracle that you are responsible for. I hope it changes you. I hope it makes you reflect on what you want in this life.. Its powerful. And that is something I need to focus on… my responsibility to my family… to make sure I stay true to myself. Block out the white noise.
… on a lighter note. We are getting countertops next week. I cannot wait to share with you some photos of the house and how far it has come in just 6 weeks. And honestly… guys countertops… a working sink!!! NO more dishes in the bathtub. I’m counting down the days!
… the house is coming together slowly. I took a break from painting walls so I literally have half painted rooms all over the house. Which drives my mom crazy! but this weekend I am hoping to finish those up… it should be a rainy weekend for the most part… at least Saturday and Sunday from what I hear… so painting shouldn’t be a problem … hopefully I do not get too distracted ;)
… Maddux graduated kindergarten this week… and it was the sweetest little ceremony. He is so excited to be going into the 1st grade. I’m not as ready as he is. This is all going a bit too fast for me. I feel like in a blink he will be graduating high school… and leaving for college. There are moments now… facial expressions where I catch glimpses of the teenager version.. where I can see it. I can see him as a 16 year old. and it freaks me out. We have a long time before we get there… but still. just that I catch glimpses… breaks my heart a bit.
.. I am looking forward to summer break… and just letting him play. Letting him be a kid. and take a break from the routine. Some moms dread the lack of routine but I am looking forward to it. I can’t wait for the extended bed times.. and days filled with bikes, basketball, swimming, baseball, etc.
… I hope you enjoy Memorial Day weekend… and take a moment to reflect on the holiday weekend. What song makes you feel more patriotic? Any favorites? Maddux truly believes his great grandpa fought alongside Captain America. Because for him… super heroes are real. :) This is such a great age…and he is just thirsty for information. And I am excited we get to teach him what this holiday weekend is all about.
… enjoy your extended weekend friends. See you next week (and we can have coffee at the island… because I WILL have countertops!!!!!)
… here are a few snippets of the house so far…