Yesterday I wrote a letter to Hudson about his firsts we have celebrated over the past 6 months. And if you follow along you know that I use these letters as my way of a baby book. I have them saved to print away in a book once I am ready. I am terrible about getting out the baby book and I don’t always like the fill in the blanks that they have… so I write out a letter trying to recollect the past few months from each of the boys.
Yesterday while writing Hudson and celebrating all of his firsts… It was bittersweet. As a mom everyone and everything lets you know how exciting the first milestones are… they even make stickers now to put on the onesies celebrating… baby’s first smile… baby’s first tooth.. etc. etc. But for me… no one ever warned me about the lasts.
Having my boys five years apart… I feel like I am celebrating the firsts of one… and so many lasts of the other. The lasts are hard. They are hard because you don’t realize that … that day is the last (fill in the blank) Then a week goes by… or a month… and you think … he hasn’t done that in a while… and then you realize… that stage is over… and you missed it.
For me… Maddux loves dressing up in costumes. It was my favorite. My instagram and facebook are filled with photos of my son in full storm trooper costume… captain america costume… iron man… you name it… he had it. And he would dress up for the random venture out to Target… or out to Breakfast… I loved it. It was single-handedly one of my favorite things out of his childhood. He loved it. He loved the attention he got… and he would just beam ear to ear… because in his head… these people honestly believed he was a superhero.
Then it happened… a few weeks went by and there were no costumes… so we were getting ready to go out to breakfast one Saturday morning… so I said… “Do you want to dress in a costume today” And he looked at me and said “No mom, that’s embarrassing… ”
… and there it was. No one warns you how much it breaks your heart to see the innocence slip away slowly. No one warns you about how you will wish and wish that you held onto that moment a little longer… Did I even take a photo that day??? …
You realize that those moments are gone. And sure… there are so many firsts ahead of us … with him becoming a Big Kid. And yes… I look forward to those also.
But … I realize this is the beginning… someday he will no longer want to run around making dinosaur noises constantly…. the terrible joke telling will end… him crawling into our bed in the middle of the night will stop… and I realize… there will be no warning. I won’t realize this will be the last day he is a velociraptor. This will be the last midnight snuggle. This will be the last terrible “why did the sheep cross the road” joke…
The lasts are hard. So hard.
A tiny bit of that little boy is gone… and you never even saw it go…